C o n c r e t e W a l l
by Soul93
Summary: 'I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, between the shadow and the soul' - Pablo Neruda
1. Chapter 1

**Authors note:** I am so excited about this because after months of pestering my good friend TheAvengerhero, he finally agreed to help me with writing this! All those hours he spent killing any humor I wanted to put in this are much appreciated!

We have never worked together on a fic before so this is a first for us, hopefully first of many!

The POV alters from third person to first somewhere in the middle, I resisted changing it because it actually sounded better like that and it happened by accident because we both worked on different parts of this.

Okay long note, completely AU and was inspired by the craziness going on in VD currently.

**Disclaimer:** We don't own The Vampire Dairies or are making a profit out of this. Nor do we own Concrete Wall by Zee Avi.

_Don't wanna keep on sharing my bed,_

_With someone that I have to love less, and less_

_Everytime I try to make you smile_

_You say that I'm being a child_

_Well I tried my best_

Today is May 30th; Bonnie knows this without having to glance at the calendar. All she has to do is open her eyes and turn to the side next to her and find it empty. She knows because the pain in her chest seems to hurt more on this particular day than any other day of the year. Waking up and living becomes harder and it takes all her strength to drag herself to the bathroom even more to take a shower.

Once dressed she heads to the kitchen ignoring the door that's firmly closed. There's no coffee waiting for her today, no quirky joke scribbled on a note and pasted on the wall. There's nothing. She can hear him, if she strains real hard and concentrate she can hear him. His behind the locked door but might as well be miles away from her.

Pinching her nose to ward off the headache Bonnie grabs her coat and heads out. The house seems more stifling today. She doesn't bother leaving him a note; he won't leave that room for the rest of the day so it's pointless.

She drives to the cemetery with her hands slightly shaking but she's the strongest one, always has been maybe that's why it was harder for her. When everyone went unhinged she had to keep it all together, keep the hope alive. The drizzle has started and she steps out the car clutching her umbrella.

She ignores how her heels sink into the muddy ground, another good pair. She sees him long before he turns around to acknowledge her. He waves her over a timid smile on his face that she knows is meant to reassure her, but she can see through it.

She walks up to him and they hug, it's long and she feels his fingers digging through her coat almost as if he's trying to draw strength from her.

"He didn't come?" he asks when they break apart.

He's being polite, because they both know he never does.

Bonnie nods and then turns to the grave stone. It shouldn't hurt but it does and she can't help thinking that it hurts more now than it ever did four years ago.

"I'm glad you came, she-" His voice falters then and even now he can't seem to say her name.

His tried to be so strong for so long that he can't seem to function either wise. She watches him waver then he crumbles his knees sinking to the wet grass. He clutches his head and Bonnie can hear the sobs and has to work hard not to release her own.

Slowly she crouches next to him placing a hand on his back and dropping her umbrella.

"It's okay Stefan," she murmurs trying to comfort him but failing.

His broken, she sees it every time they meet here. His handsome face has hallowed out and his hair has begun to grey around the edges it almost seems like his wasting away before her eyes. She wishes she could fix him, but nothing can.

"I'm sorry I just..." his voice trails off as he places trembling hands on the headstone.

_Elena Gilbert, gone but not forgotten_

The rest she can't read with the tears brimming in her eyes. They've all tried to be strong for so long and are failing not only themselves but her memory. She'd want more for them.

"You just can't stop loving her," Bonnie says simply, "We all can't..."

Her mind than drifts back to Damon who's locked himself away from the world, away from her. She knows Stefan loved Elena, Damon she's not sure. Can you call an obsession love? Can it be one in the same?

She'd thought Damon would be her shoulder; he'd been so strong before. Before May 30th, before Elena drove off the bridge and died. But now she's not so sure, she knows she loves him but whether he loves her remains unknown. His there, but not really and somehow she's convinced herself that's enough.

"I used to think my defining moment was when I first laid eyes on her," Stefan says bringing Bonnie back from her musing.

"And now?' she asks as they slowly stand up.

Stefan thrusts his hands deep in his pockets eyes glued to the headstone. "Now I realise it was when I lost her," He pauses as if gathering strength, "Her death was mine,"

Bonnie shudders involuntarily and grasps Stefan's hand in hers, "Then what's my moment Stefan?"

He looks at her and the pain in his eyes is too much but she forces herself not to look away.

"The day you leave Damon," he replies.

Bonnie shakes her head already denying his words. Deep down it's because she suspects Stefan is right yet leaving Damon is more then she can handle.

"You're with him now because there's a part of you that needs to be needed," he continued, "You need Damon to need you in order to have meaning..."

Stefan's words echo long after I drive off, repeating themselves in my head like a broken record. Glancing at my wristwatch I realize I'm supposed to be meeting up with Caroline at the Grill in ten minutes time, but I don't have the heart to pretend everything is fine.

Instead I take a turn and head to Jeremy's. I probably shouldn't but I need to be with someone who remembers Elena like I do, not dead on the side of the riverbank. I pull over and walk up to the door still hesitant.

Jeremy answers after the third ring, his bathed and dressed and I give him a timid smile which he returns before inviting me in. The place is a mess and I literally have to walkover piles of maps and newspapers.

"Planning a trip?" I ask pulling off my coat as he pours me a drink.

I don't tell him I don't drink anymore or that Damon would probably raise an eyebrow instead I accept the drink and take the seat next to him on the couch.

"Yeah maybe head north don't know...don't care," he replies with a shrug as he finishes off his drink and gets up to make another one.

Jeremy isn't over her death but his okay and somehow that always gives me strength to face the rest of the year.

"What about you, heard you were moving?" he asks over his shoulder.

I was maybe still am, Damon isn't- he won't.

"Maybe but I still have stuff to sort out," I reply sipping on my drink, brandy and it's awful but I say nothing.

"Stuff as in Damon?"

Jeremy never beats around the bush, his head on and I know he'll allow me to change the subject if I want, but I don't.

"Yeah, I think he's never going to let go,"

"He won't because you've never given him reason to," At my confused look he adds, "You allow him to love you but continue to love Elena, and he gets to have it both ways,"

"Are you saying I should leave him?"

"No," he shakes his head, "I'm saying you should be enough, he shouldn't have to hold onto a ghost when he has you,"

His words hit hard and I wonder when did Jeremy become so grownup and filled with wisdom. There was a time when he was the one in need of saving. My phone rings and the caller ID reveal's Caroline's name.

"Hey Car,"

"Bonnie where are you, are you okay?" her voice is trembling and I instantly feel bad about not showing up, but I'm tired.

Tired of having to carry everyone's grief along with my own.

"I'm fine I just got some stuff to sort out,"

"Okay but call me, we need to talk," then she drops the phone and for a while I keep it on my ear.

No, Caroline needs to talk; she needs to remember... I don't. I hate myself instantly for thinking that, thinking that people should just get over it. Yes, Elena died but the rest of us didn't. The thought makes me sick for even thinking it, but a small voice seconds it even when my heart twists at it.

"Bonnie you'll figure it out," Jeremy promises before leaning over me and giving me a chaste kiss on my forehead.

"Thank you," I say standing up and suddenly sure of what I need to do. Bonnie needs to do what's best for Bonnie. I decided as Jeremy sees me off and I find myself again on the road.

I walk back into the house and don't even bother to check if Damon ever came out of his Elena Shrine instead I make my way to the bedroom and pull out a suitcase. Normally I'm a very precise and neat packer but I'm not planning on coming back.

I throw random clothes in, shoes, bras everything I can grab. The adrenalin rushes through me. Once satisfied I close the bag and pull it with me, having to drag it. I make it to the foyer and reach out for my keys when the door opens.

Damon stumbles out his eyes glazed and the smell of alcohol makes me nervous. He finally notices me, his eyes glance to me, the bag, my hand reaching for the keys and back to me again.

"Going somewhere?" he asks dryly running a hand through his devilish hair.

My voice abandon's me and I stand there not sure what to say.

"Leaving me?" he adds making his way to me and stumbling slightly.

"I should be enough," I say when I finally find my voice again.

His face scrunches up in confusion and he leans against the wall, "What?"

"I should be enough and I'm done competing with a ghost," I keep my voice even although my heart is pounding.

"I see," is the only thing he has to say and the anger I've kept buried for so long snaps.

"No you don't see!" I can't keep it locked anymore, "You don't see that I'm here alive, loving you even though it hurts! You don't see how I have to carry you and your love for her every day! You don't see even now when I'm leaving you, you still can't fucking see!"

After my outburst there's a silence and tears I swore I'd never cry stumble over my lids and down my cheeks. Damon is silent and it's enough for me to grab my keys and pull the door open.

"Bonnie... wait,"

I know I shouldn't, hate myself when I turn back to him. He looks so lost it tears at me in ways I couldn't imagine and before I can stop myself I'm running to him and holding onto him. No words are needed after that and I allow him to peel of my jacket and carry me to the bedroom.

The sex is a whirlwind of passion that lacks any tenderness and afterwards I stumble out the bed still naked as if in a daze. In the corner of my eye I see Damon grabbing a cigarette- a habit he took up after Elena's death.

Blindly I make my way to the bathroom, emotions making me dizzy and slightly nauseous. I lock the door behind me and slide to the floor. The tears come then and I don't have the strength to stop them, I bite my arm to smother the sound as anguish grips me.

Never before do I wish it had been me instead of Elena then at that moment. If it had been me, Jeremy wouldn't have to keep running, Caroline wouldn't be such a mess, Stefan wouldn't have become the shell he is today and Damon wouldn't hate me so much.

He doesn't say it but sometimes I see it in his eyes almost as if he blames me for her death. Blames the fact that Elena was running my errand. Blames the fact that he'd been too busy ripping off my blouse when he could have saved her.

I shudder just thinking about it. My head pounds but still the sobs continue and for a moment I panic at the thought that they might never stop.

"You okay?" Damon asks on the other side of the door and instead of reassuring him I keep quiet. Because how can he ask when it's so obvious I'm not?

"Bonnie?"

I curl into myself wishing the floor would open me up and swallow me whole. I feel death ever so near and it scares me because a part of me welcomes and beckons her forth.

"Bonnie?" Damon sounds uneasy now and the irony in the situation makes me want to laugh so I do and it comes out all strained and hoarse, but I don't care.

"Open the fucking door Bonnie!"

Through the bleary eyes I spot Damon's razor it seems so important that it should be there. I crawl to it holding my breath and ignoring the pounding of Damon's fists against the door. I touch the blade to my palm and squeeze, it cuts slightly but not enough.

The spell is something I hardly paid attention too but now I remember it like it was yesterday and with the blood seeping from my palm I begin to chant.

The wind picks up almost immediately and so does Damon's pounding. I hear the hinges begin to snap under the strain. I can feel myself begin to slip away as I embrace the darkness.

The door burst on its hinges and Damon barges in, his eyes are frantic as they land on the sprawled form on the floor. He sinks to the floor hands bracing his fall. His eyes are wide when he finally speaks.

"Elena?"

**End note:** Okay first chapter down and we'd love feedback! Heard Concrete Wall on Gossip Girl, it's truly an amazing song you should listen it! It also inspired the title obviously.

**For further continuation of this story see Author Profile and scroll down to "My Fics'**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note:** Thank you so much to all who reviewed! This is actually very challenging for us (me especially) to write, therefore we are grateful for the enthusiastic feedback. The first chapter was a bit confusing but it will clear up when we get back to it.

For now we going back 5 years ago (before Elena died) so you can understand what lead to the first chapter. And AvengerHero thank you so much for your help, you really don't have to type as much as you do but you do it anyways!

Again mixed up POV- we type then try to merge it together.

**Disclaimer:** We don't own Cosmic Love by Florence and The Machines. We actually listened to the acoustic version by HermitageGreen, so beautiful!

* * *

><p><em>And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat<em>

_I tried to find the sound_

_But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,_

_So darkness I became_

2 September 2016

Bonnie hates finding a tomato slice in her burger after she specifically asked to not have it added. Hates that on the one day she decided she'd take a walk it rains. But really that's not why she's in sweats curled up on her sofa with the phone on her lap.

She's really angry at herself, for wishing he would call. Hates that every three minutes she glances at her blackberry waiting for that tell tale red light, but it doesn't come. She wonders vaguely when she became one of those girls who sat by the phone all day waiting for their crush to call.

Is he her crush? She's not sure even more so why she has to clench her jaws so she won't notice the pain in her chest. She runs a hand though her hair, it's still wet from the shower she had earlier, the one were the phone was propped on the lid of the toilet seat.

It was just sex Bonnie, get over it. But she can't not when even after the second shower this morning she can't rid the smell of him on her skin. She tries not to breathe through her nose because it makes it worse. She feels pathetic and a little sorry for herself. Even considers getting drunk, but that's sad and she's not sad.

Why should she be sad? She just had amazing toe curling sex the previous night, in fact she should be feeling great full of energy. Instead of anxious sitting by a phone that's forgotten how to ring. She leans back into the couch drawing her knees closer to her chest suddenly feeling cold. Several times she's picked up the phone, dialled the number only to drop it at the last minute.

The phone suddenly comes alive and she drops it a few times before finally holding it to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Hey Bonnie, it's Elena,"

And Bonnie has to work hard to swallow the lump of disappointment.

"What's up?" she asks trying to be casual.

"It's just we were supposed to meet up for lunch remember?"

Bonnie remembers but she'd forgotten, anything that happened before Damon was a blur. She tries to think up a good excuse but she's always been a horrible liar.

"Bonnie are you okay?"

No I'm not, Elena. I feel like I'm falling into a thousand pieces and I don't know how to stop this ache in my chest, but of course she can't say that.

"Yeah, I actually got my hands full at the moment," she says instead realises it's easier than the truth. Besides her hands her full, with the phone she's been waiting on since morning.

"Oh okay I guess rain check?"

"Yeah sorry,"

"No problem call you later, love you!"

"Love you too," and Bonnie really means it but there is a small part of her that hates Elena a bit at that moment. She can't suppress the thought that had it been Elena, Damon would have called.

/

7 September 2016

The wine states too sweet but I hardly notice instead I'm too busy trying to pretend that I find Mason's conversation interesting. I nod at all the right times, say all the right things and for a while I even begin to fool myself until he walks into the room.

My composure seems to come crashing down and when he brushes past me without so much as a hello I have to stop myself from calling out to him. Instead I gulp down the glass and grab another one from a waiter.

Mason laughs asks if I'm planning on getting drunk, I laugh also even though it feels hallow but I don't reply because I no longer know what's going on in my head. All I know is that the Lockwood estate is getting too crowded and my head feels lighter than it has in days. In five days to be exact, I counted.

Caroline comes over and I have to excuse myself from Mason. She seems anxious but her words seem to string together and all I can think about is Damon standing with Elena. I wish it didn't hurt, but it does it shouldn't because I knew the score from the get go. But the knowing doesn't dampen the pain and neither does the wine I rapidly begin to go through.

I'll probably be sick tomorrow but at the moment I don't care not really, I just want to be numb and get swallowed in by the walls.

"Bonnie are you okay?"

It takes several shakes of my head to clear it long enough for it to register its Jeremy. I don't even remember when Caroline left. At that moment I wish I'd never fallen out of love with Jeremy. I lean into him, maybe because I'm drunk or maybe because I want someone to want me. To want me as much as I want Damon.

"I think I'm drunk," I say and Jeremy chuckles.

"I reckon you are," he says and it feels good to have his arms holding me. Not as good as being held by Damon but good enough.

"I'm not this girl," I whisper.

"What girl?"

"The one who gets drunk and leans on guys for support," I elaborate though that's not what I really wanted to say. I wanted to tell him I wasn't the type of girl who falls for a guy she knows is in love with someone else.

"Of course you aren't, your Bonnie,"

"And who's Bonnie?" Jeremy's face scrunches up in confusion and I'm thankful I'm drunk. Tomorrow, if it ever comes, I'll blame the alcohol.

"Let me get you a glass of water," Jeremy says helping me to the bench, I'm glad we are outside at least then no one but Jeremy sees my near stumble.

I sit and Jeremy goes back inside promising to be back soon. I lean against the wall not even caring that the fragility of the material of the dress will most certainly snag.

I'm so lost in myself musing that I don't even notice him until he sits next to me. My voice deserts me and I'm not sure what to say if I should say anything. But I can't deny that what had been a gloomy night suddenly doesn't look so dark after all.

I chance a glance at him under my eyelashes and my heart races. I wonder if Damon knows how painstakingly beautiful he is. But knowing Damon he probably does.

"This party sucks," he says and for a moment I'm too startled he actually initiated conversation that I don't say anything.

"Yeah," and it's so awkward I wish the floor could open up and swallow me whole.

I don't understand why there's this thick tension between us, because before we slept together I'd never felt odd around Damon like I should be more charming and less drawn into myself.

"Want to go somewhere else?" he asks casually his intense eyes on me and I'm helpless to do anything but follow him blindly to the ends of the world.

"Yeah,"

He stands up and extends his hand, I clutch it like it's a life line and right then it feels like it's the only thing between me and the dark pool of despair.

I let him lead me in the dark, unafraid and clouded by the stars in my eyes. His hand feels cool and I love how it's not sweaty. Long fingers curl around my hand and I can't imagine ever feeling so happy before.

It's not until his opening the door to the backseat and pushing me in that I realise where somewhere else is. The way his hands grasp my thighs clues me in instantly and I want to knee him and get the hell away from him.

I'm not the girl who has sex in the backseat of a car, this isn't me. My mind screams for me to find a way out, to get out, and to run if I have to but my heart didn't get the MO. And when Damon starts kissing me I'm lost all over again. I forget that the last time he walked out without a word, that afterwards he didn't even bother to call.

All I can think about is that the ache in my chest doesn't feel so painful right now. That I'm only happy when he's holding me. Damon is a great lover, the best I ever had actually but I can't help wondering if I'm the best he ever had.

It's all rushed and my head is spinning from the alcohol I consumed. My legs are starting to cramp and I feel slightly suffocated, I actually release a sigh of relief when it's all over. It wasn't bad, never is but I want more than just sex from Damon. But I'm afraid that's all he can offer me.

I lay there panting and my skin on fire and I realize I'm so relieved because when he finished he didn't cry out Elena's name. I don't think I could handle it, don't think I'm strong enough to handle it.

"Are you hungry?" Damon asks propping himself on his elbow so he doesn't crush me under his weight.

We just had some rushed up sex job in the back of his Mustang outside a well to do party and that's the one thing he thinks to ask me? I start to laugh and at first its giggles but they soon break out to full on laughter and I have to lean back on the seat.

It feels good to laugh like this whole messed up thing isn't happening to me. Like I'm looking in on some other person's life. Tears stream down my eyes and I'm glad he'll think it's from the laughing. Somehow I don't want Damon to know how much I care. How I wait for him to call or hang around Elena's because I know he's bound to come over.

Bonnie hates a lot of things like queuing at banks or having to shave her legs because either wise she'll be stuck in long pants. But more than anything she hates that she's falling in love with Damon Salvatore.

Damon who never calls

Damon who can be in the same room with her for three hours and not say hi.

Damon who's obsessed with her best friend, when Bonnie's obviously obsessed with him.

_I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map_

_And knew that somehow I could find my way back_

_Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too_

_So I stayed in the darkness with you _

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><p><strong>AN:** I've always wanted to write a darker Bonnie who has inner conflicts of her own. It will have a happy ending eventually but I've always felt that if ever Damon and Bonnie should come together (looking more like wishful thinking as the show progresses) that it wouldn't be some jolly union where they are madly in love and everyone's happy.

So I'm taking a risk (AvengerHero doesn't lose an ounce of sleep over this) and trying something different. I wanted to make Bonnie more human and how many of us girls have waited for that call that never came? And it's not my intention to make Damon seem like a jerk but his being a typical guy right now.

**So please review if you want to read more of this!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note:** I'm ashamed to admit I'd decided to abandon this, but then I got these wonderful reviews that reminded me why it is I write (You forget after a while). So a special thanks to those who reviewed!

As always thank you to TheAvengerHero (I don't care if you changed your name, that's what I'm sticking too) who's input in this story is greatly appreciated!

**Disclaimer:** don't own All Alright by Fun.

_And It's all alright_

_I guess it's all alright_

_I got nothing left inside of my chest,_

_but it's all alright_

December

The conversation started harmlessly enough, "So what's going on between you and Damon?" Elena asked casually, but that's what got Bonnie on her guard the casual way she said it like she'd just asked her to pass the butter only nothing was smooth about it.

Bonnie shrugged leaning back against the counter wondering how long it took to get coffee around here, "nothing," she replied and it was technically true nothing was going on.

"Oh so you two aren't having sex?" Elena asked and Bonnie thought that the corner cafe was probably not the best place to be having such a conversation.

"Would you care?" she asked just as calmly, salt please and waited for Elena to reply.

"I love Stefan," Elena replied seeming offended only that wasn't a reply -that was a deflection and Bonnie was annoyed Elena would go through the whole motion of planning this only to chicken out.

Because it was planned, Elena hadn't simply wanted to play catch up over hot cups of coffee she'd wanted answers yet apparently she'd thought Bonnie would be on the defence.

"Then why bother asking?"

"Because I don't want to see you hurt," Elena replied with sincerity and Bonnie knew she meant it just like she also knew that Elena loved Damon.

When their coffee eventually arrived Bonnie drank it too quickly needing to get away. She'd become good at that lately she mused.

"I guess I'll call?" Elena asked when Bonnie stood up to go.

"Sure," Bonnie replied, they hugged and Bonnie left.

Of course they both knew that Elena wouldn't call at least not for a while and neither would Bonnie. Vaguely as she scrolled down her messages she wondered when that had become okay. There was a message from Damon, he wanted to talk.

Bonnie wasn't sure how she felt about that. Too much had been left unsaid between them and now she felt like there was nothing left to say. Only as much as she wished she could delete the message she knew she couldn't. She bit on her lip, thoughtful and undecided.

Walking to her car, she quickly dialled a number, "Hey are you busy?" she began opening her car door, "Sure meet you in 5,"

Bonnie wasn't sure exactly how she ended up at Jeremy's but this secret or whatever it was was killing her and she needed to speak to someone. It wouldn't be Elena because she was wrapped up in the whole mess, Caroline was ruled out too because her dislike for Damon might cloud her judgement.

Jeremy answered after the second ring, looking like he'd literally just stumbled out of the bed, his bangs lay lazily over his eyes making her smile.

"What you smiling about?" he asked with a grin stepping aside to let her in.

"You..." Bonnie began turning, "you look cute,"

He wrinkled his nose placing a hand to usher her towards the kitchen, "Bonnie there is a lot of things a guy wants a girl to think of him as," he began letting her enter before him, "And cute isn't one of them.

Bonnie laughed leaning against the counter, "Are you always this charming in the morning?" she asked.

"Maybe you should stay the night sometime and find out?" when he saw her smile fall he immediately added, "I was joking Bonnie,"

Bonnie shrugged, "I know it's just..." she trailed off not sure what exactly had bothered her about that statement.

"I'm your ex?" he supplied, "It's okay Bonnie, it was a long time ago. We passed that, right?" 

"Right,"

"So you wanted to talk to me?" he asked grabbing two mugs for them and pouring coffee.

"Yeah I think you're the only one I can confide in," she replied accepting the cup. There was nothing like too much coffee.

"It's not your powers or something?"

Bonnie shook her head, "No," she answered then hesitated suddenly realising maybe Jeremy wasn't the right person only now it was too late, "It's actually about Damon,"

Jeremy nearly spilled his coffee all over the table releasing a curse when some of the hot liquid sloshed over and onto his hand. Rushing for the tap, he held it under running water, "Damon as in Damon Salvatore?"

"Yeah," Bonnie replied. Like there was any other Damon in their lives.

She could see him mulling it over as he grabbed a cloth to wipe his hands, until finally he turned to her with an anxious look, "Are you involved with him?" he asked biting the bullet rather than dragging it slowly out of her and for that Bonnie was grateful.

"Something like that,"

Jeremy cursed again, "Bonnie you're too smart to get messed up with that guy," he said.

Bonnie pursed her lips, "I used to think that..." she began uncertain.

"Well I'm telling you," Jeremy stated, "His got way too much baggage Bonnie. Surely you learnt that from me. Guys with baggage are trouble,"

"So you are saying you're trouble?" Bonnie asked quirking a smile even at the seriousness of the situation.

"Well I'm a messed up sort myself but Bonnie," he paused as if not sure whether to say the rest, "Damon is the crazy vampire obsessed with your best friend sort,"

"You said obsessed not in love,"

"I did, didn't I?" Jeremy stopped in thought, "Look obsessions are worse than love,"

"Really?"

"Don't mock me Bonnie," he said dryly, "But I'm serious, his obsessed and if you continue hoping to save him for himself you'll only wound up hurt,"

Bonnie placed down her cup, her hands shaking slightly so she wrapped them around herself. The truth had a way of chilling you to the bone.

"But what if, what if he's over her?" she tried knowing she was grasping at straws.

A strange look appeared on Jeremy's face, slowly he took a deep breath, "Tell me you haven't fallen in love with him Bonnie," he begged after a moment.

Bonnie turned her head slightly away from him, afraid to look at his disappointed expression.

Jeremy cursed again, "I'd kill him if he wasn't dead already," he began and added as an afterthought, "well that and if he couldn't kick my ass… vampires who needs 'em?"

"What should I do Jer?" Bonnie asked feeling hopeless.

Jeremy finally walked up to her, wrapping his arms around her, "just don't forget yourself, okay?" he started as he rested his chin on her head, "don't forget who you are because of him Bonnie, can you promise me that?"

Bonnie gulped, "I promise," she lied, the lie slipping so easily through her teeth.

/

When I returned home, my thoughts still a mess the last thing I expected to find was Damon draped on my porch. The same Damon I'd spent the better half of my day trying to avoid. I blink several times to make sure it's not my mind playing tricks on me. I feel stupid standing there not even sure if I should say something.

Then I remember Jeremy's words and decided I should get everything off my chest only Damon beats me to it.

"I was thinking we should go out some time," he starts but his voice is not as cool as he'd like and he seems to pause for a moment, "that's if you'd like," he adds, stumbling a bit around the words.

It takes me a moment to realise his waiting for my reply, but I'm still stuck on his words. Damon asking me out like it's the most natural thing. It shouldn't be strange for people who've slept together yet it is, because we're still Bonnie and Damon.

"Sure," I reply with a shrug like I couldn't care less only I do and I think he also knows.

Damon stands up brushing off his pants before his eyes lock into mine. I brush my hair back feeling nervous then feeling stupid for feeling nervous in the first place. And when he moves to stand before me his cold hands cupping my face I don't mind.

Just like I don't mind it when he leans down and kisses me, his tongue probing my lips until I let him in. I could see us losing control easily, him all lust and frustration and me all lost and confused still trying to find meaning of it all.

Yet one thing had changed, we whatever that was would never be just Bonnie and Damon ever again.

_Yeah It's all alright_

_I guess it's all alright_

_I got nothing left inside of my chest,_

_but it's all alright_

**A/N:** I'll admit it was relatively short, but that's because the next chapter starts exploring Bonnie and Damon's relationship. I'm not sure when's the next update because I'm going through a major writer's block right now- the only stuff updated is chapters I'd already typed up but was too busy to edit.

As always reviews are much appreciated.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: **Thank you to my wonderful reviewers, you guys have been a breath of fresh air! I'll admit this chapter took forever to get done, but it wasn't easy to write. But believe me when you finish this chapter everything will make sense (I hope).

And a special thanks to Avenger who helped me start this, continued to play a part in the growth of the story and really just stuck by me when I couldn't write to save me life.

Hope you enjoy this instalment! And as always reviews are appreciated.

**Disclaimer:** Quote used belongs to Harry Herschfield though there are like a million similar ones, I liked his one best. Listened to A LOT of music (nothing new there) and finally decided on All I want by Ahn Trio- it was too perfect for this chapter!

"There are three sides to every story: Your side, his side and the truth"

Today is May 30th, Damon knows it without having to glance over at the calendar, knows it because he spent the whole night tossing and turning unable to sleep. It's still dark out and the promise of rain is heavy just like his mood. He slips out the bed but hesitates when he glances at the sleeping form on the bed. Her hair is all mussed up in that way he loves and she's hogging all the blankets, her one arm stretched to his side as if calling him back to bed.

The problem isn't that he doesn't want to crawl back and pretend today is any other day. The problem is that he wants too, so bad it hurts. The urge to brush her hair back is strong, but Bonnie is a light sleeper and he doesn't want to wake her. So he pulls on his rumbled jeans and leaves the room as silently as he can.

Damon enters his office; well it would be an office if he actually did work there. It's more his own personal space that more often than not he uses to brood in. He closes the door, and habit makes him lock it even though he knows Bonnie won't even go near the door.

She never does.

Sitting in his armchair he pulls out his album of her pictures. It's painful but he feels he has to endure this one day because every other day of the year it's worth it. It's a slow process and every image seems to remind him of his loss. He pauses on one; he thinks it was taken five years ago. She's got her arm hooked over Jeremy's shoulder, a big smile on her face and she's wearing this pink Mickey Mouse tee. He trails a finger over it, her smile, the twinkle in her eyes and it's all too much. He closes the album and rummages around until his fingers touch cool glass. He lifts the bottle, notices his running out of Bourbon before he twists the cap open and takes a long swing.

He hears her as she gets dressed for the day, for her date with Stefan. It's not really a date, but he knows they meet up at the cemetery where Stefan mopes about his lost and the woes of his life. It's a real sad affair. They've invited him to come, but he declined. Why would he want to go to some dreary cemetery that reminds him all too much of what he lost four years ago?

He hears the front door closing, she's gone. He struggles with the urge to get up, pack all his things and leave. And he'd have ample time too; she'll probably head out to Caroline after Stefan then Jeremy.

But he doesn't, he can't. Hasn't been able to do it for three years doubts today will be any different.

Leaning back on his chair, the Bourbon propped on his lap he stares at the ceiling as if somehow it will have an answer for everything that went wrong...

He must have dozed off because his awaken by the insistent ringing of his cell phone, tucked and forgotten in his jeans. Caller ID reveals it's Caroline and he almost doesn't answer it, but then he remembers Blondie wouldn't call him unless...

"Yeah?"

"Hi Damon, is Bonnie home?" she asks hesitantly and Damon pauses a frown on his face.

"Isn't she with you?" he asks sitting up suddenly, almost dropping the bottle on the floor.

Caroline goes quiet on the other line.

"Well?" Damon presses because now his getting anxious and he hates it.

"No, she was supposed to call me but that was like an hour ago," Caroline replies anxiously and he can imagine she's probably biting the ends of her finger tips.

How long was he asleep? Damon wonders as he places the bottle on the table searching for his notebook, technically it's Bonnie's but since she remembers everyone's numbers off by heart she doesn't really use it. So he does.

"She's probably at her shop," Damon lies because he doesn't want an anxious Caroline on his doorstep worrying him more then he already is.

"Oh...I guess," Caroline says then pauses, "Sorry I just over reacted it's just-"

"No problem, bye Caroline," he ends the call surprised in his urgency he even broke his rule of never using Caroline's name. Flipping through the notebook, he scans through the G's until Jeremy's name appears next to Gilbert.

He doesn't want to do it, hates that he has too. But for a moment he can forget his dislike of the other man and make the call. He dials the number, mentally prepping himself to sound civil. It takes Elena's kid brother about a million rings to answer.

"Hello, Jer here?"

Damon can just gag but he forces his voice to sound neutral, "Is Bonnie there?" no phony greetings or asking how the other is feeling from him.

"Oh it's you" and the way Jeremy says it, it sounds like an insult.

"Yeah, Bonnie's husband over here," he retorts because he can and he knows it drives the kid mad when he does.

"What do you want Damon?"

"I thought I made it clear the first time, I'm looking for Bonnie," he repeats in a belittling tone.

"You're just full of it," Jeremy snaps, "Can't you just leave her alone?"

"She's my wife, you know until death do us part?" he says snidely a part of him glad to have someone to vent his anger on.

"Look if you're just going to be an asshole then I'll hang up,"

Damon clenches his jaw, "Is Bonnie there or not, it's not freaking rocket science," he snaps because his patience is running thin and Jeremy is probably his least favourite person in the world next to Katherine of course.

"She was here, but she's gone now," Jeremy replies like his pulling teeth or something.

"Was that so hard?" and Damon is ready to hang up only Jeremy starts speaking again.

"If you love Bonnie you wouldn't make her suffer like this," the kid says with this haughty voice Damon thinks someone as messed up as Jeremy shouldn't be using.

"You know nothing about me and _my wife_," Damon growls and a smarter person would take the hint, but not Gilbert. The kid is a stellar for idiocy.

"I know she was here near to tears because of you," Jeremy all but accuses.

Damon could laugh at the irony of it all. It seems once you're deemed the bad guy you'll always have that hanging over you even when it's misguided.

"I'm going to give you a word of advice Gilbert, I'm only going to say it once so you better hear it well," He says coldly, gripping the phone to near breaking it, "Stay out of Damon's business," with that said Damon hangs up and leans against the desk. He runs a hand through his hair trying to ease the building frustration.

He just wishes this bloody day over... even when he dreads what still awaits him.

His thoughts are interrupted when he hears the front door open and close, she's back. He strains his ears but she's shuffling around the bedroom so he's not sure what exactly she's doing. Damon considers doing nothing, but he's always been a man of action so he gets up, but before he leaves he opens the album again to that picture.

Bonnie is still smiling, her one arm draped over Jeremy's shoulder wearing that silly Mickey Mouse tee. That's all the convincing he needs before he unlocks the door and stumbles out to find Bonnie, suitcase in hand.

At first he wonders if it's the alcohol but he hardly had that much to drink. Damon blinks glancing between her, the suitcase and back to her face. Is she leaving him? This throws him off, but he decides to play it cool.

"Going somewhere?" he asks dryly running a hand through his devilish hair. Bonnie just stares back at him so he adds, "Leaving me?" his legs feel out of sorts and he stumbles a bit.

"I should be enough," Bonnie says.

Damon's face scrunches up in confusion and he leans against the wall, "What?"

"I should be enough and I'm done competing with a ghost."

He's at a lost. But manages a clipped, "I see."

"No you don't see!" she accuses her eyes, the ones he loves so much, glowing with anger, "You don't see that I'm here alive, loving you even though it hurts! You don't see how I have to carry you and your love for her every day! You don't see even now when I'm leaving you, you still can't fucking see!"

It's like watching a bad horror movie all over again. He knows it's all coming, but it still manages to rattle him and leave him unsettled. He should probably say something, but past experience has taught him that refuting her accusations only sends her over the edge faster so he says nothing and watches the tears fall.

It isn't until she grabs her keys that it hits him that she actually intends to leave him. That's enough for his voice to return, "Bonnie... wait."

For a terrifying moment Damon thinks she won't but she stops and turns back, anguish etched on her face. He stretches out his hand to her because all his ever wanted was to take away her pain. If only she'd let him.

She runs into his arms, clutching on to him. Damon wants to remind her how much he loves her, but the words won't come out so he presses kisses to her lips as he begins peeling off her jacket and carrying her to his bedroom. He hopes his actions can say all the words he can't.

The sex is a whirlwind of passion that lacks any tenderness because he's afraid that any moment from now she'll slip away and maybe today will be different, he'll lose her forever. Afterwards he watches her stumble out the bed, his anxious and by habit grabs a cigarette. He was never much of a smoker until that first night after Elena's death, when everything changed.

She enters the bathroom, closing the door behind her and shutting him out.

He wants to believe nothing will happen. She doesn't have the book with her or those damned candles so he tries to relax. Thinks if he believed in a god, right now would be a good time to send a prayer. He tries to be patient while he waits but then the seconds stretch into minutes and apprehension turns into dread. Getting up he slips into a pair of sweats and walks to the bathroom door.

"You okay?" he asks but silence is his only reply so he presses on, "Bonnie?"

Silence and he thinks it's worse than any scream his ever heard, "Bonnie?!" now he sounds a bit frantic but all calm is ebbing away into a blind panic, "Open the fucking door Bonnie!"

God she's killed herself. He thinks even as he rattles the door. He swears when he realises she's locked it. He pounds against the door but it proves futile angling his shoulder he shoves hard but aside from a creak nothing happens. Damon swears he'll lose it if this damn door doesn't come undone. He shoves again and this time he can hear the hinges snap. With as much force as he can muster, he slams into the door bursting it from its hinges.

He almost crashes from the momentum but manages to keep his stance. His eyes are frantic when they land on the sprawled form. It's all too much, again he's failed her. He sinks to the floor, using his hands to brace himself. It was her leaving, it threw him off, and he let down his guard- couldn't stop it.

A part of him is relieved she's still alive even if his nightmare has returned again.

That's why he dreads this day so much. Why he locks himself in that stuffy room all day hoping the longer he stays in the more he can prolong the inevitable. The moment he loses his wife and in her place a woman they supposedly buried four years ago. Yet every time the transformation seems to shock him and render him numb. He steels himself and even now he's still hoping she hasn't left him yet.

But then she raises her face to him, skin ghostly pale and brown eyes instead of hazel. She stares back at him a teasing smile on her face and it's all wrong because it's not Bonnie. Damon swallows the lump in his throat.

"Elena?" he asks hoping it's not, even when it's so clearly is.

_Too many times, I have wanted_

_To turn around and walk away_

_Knowing deep inside, you can't provide_

_What I need from you, anyway_

_Do you know_

_Doesn't change_

_The way I feel about you, at the end of the day_

'_Cause I know_

_That all I want is what you got_

_All I want is what you got_

_Tell me that I wanna go_

_But I wanna stay_

_Tell you that I wanna go_

_But I wanna stay_


End file.
